Women tend to (always) overcomplicate things, especially men. The male gender is so ridiculously simple Super-Id has broken down the three rudimentary keys for any woman to keep her man.

The amount of time, money, energy, resources and thought women (and society discussing and the media reporting) spend on finding, getting and keeping a man could build/fund/power small nations. Moments hit me where I wonder what is hard to figure out – men are ridiculously simple. And I think that women are conditioned to get to the emotional root of things thus constantly overthinking manly ways.

The #300Sandwiches trending story caught my and everyone’s attention. The nut of the story: pretty woman who wants her boyfriend to put a ring on it + a really lucky dude who really appreciates a good sammich = her making him 300 sandwiches with the hopes of getting engaged upon quest completion. Feminist Twitter erupted with a stream of feminisity and stupid hashtags. And I’m left to wonder what is the big fucking deal?

Allow me to first repeat the theme of this post – men are simple. Now, allow me to help women overstand how to keep a man and keep him happy (how to get a man will be saved for another day). It’s very simple (like men [notice a trend yet?]).

“Men really like food.”

Feed Him

    1. Everyone likes food. Everyone likes to eat.
    2. Men really like food. Men really like to eat. Men love food they can eat that’s made by somebody else. Cooking can be fun but it is work and for most of us, we have more than enough work to deal with, so avoiding more of it is a paramount underlying goal of our existence.
    3. Men may not always be hungry, but we are more often than not down to eat. (Test your man – an hour after a meal, appear with some sort of snack or treat and watch him eat that shit even though he said he was full 20mins ago.) A man invented the saying, “I’m not hungry, but I can eat.” Men live by this statement.
    4. Cooked food always tastes better. Cooked food that a man didn’t cook himself but is able to eat at the moment always tastes awesome.
    5. Cooked food has to get served (unless a man cooks who gives zero fucks about eating from the pot/pan/wherever he cooked it) and what man doesn’t love to get served.
    6. Feeding us means you care about us. Underneath it all, a woman holding her man down in the kitchen means that you know how to hold down your man and that’s what every man looks for in a woman.
    7. Oh… make sure he gets the big piece of chicken. Or 300 sandwiches (what about the other 65 days of the year?).

“This means getting head too, ya know.”

Fuck Him

    1. Not talking about making love. Talking about fucking. FUCKING. You know that stuff you did when you were single? Porno sex. That’s what we want. That’s what we need. Lovemaking is what women need cause lovemaking is emotional and sweet and sensitive and passionate. And that’s cool. Fucking is fun. Men like fun shit.
    2. If we just make love, nine out of ten men will get bored after a period of time. It’s really hard to get tired of fucking because there’s so many different ways to fuck. And if you have many different ways to fuck it makes fucking the same person more fuckable.
    3. This means getting head too, ya know…
    4. Don’t forget about the balls.
    5. This means not just being amenable to when your man wants to fuck, but having the woman initiate the fucking as well (please note, we’re talking about initiating fucking, not love-making. See Point #1 in “Fuck Us.”

“It’s not you, it’s him. Nothing personal.”

Leave Him The Fuck Alone

    1. It doesn’t matter where your man is coming home from – work, school, his mama’s house, the corner, the gym, wherever, at some point he’s going to want to be left the fuck alone. No you. No kids. Maybe the dog. Actually the dog can stay cause he just chills. Love that dog. We don’t want to talk about how are day was. We don’t really care how your day was cause more than likely it was filled with farcical drama and nonsense. We want the remote, our favorite seat, the big piece of chicken, something cold to drink, and some peace and quiet so we can have some peace of mind. Ladies, believe it or not, it can be hard to be a man. We know it’s tough being a woman, but being a dude isn’t exactly a walk through a forest of potpourri on top of a butterfly. Silence. Solitude. Peace of Mind. These all go a long way towards a man maintaining his sanity and not going bananas.
    2. It’s not you, it’s him. Nothing personal.
    3. It doesn’t last forever. We just need a timeout.
    4. When we’re good, you’ll know. How? We’ll actually speak and talk back to you instead of monosyllabic retorting grunts.
    5. Once we’re talking, we better be talking about you getting us something to eat and/or fucking us.

Ladies, you can thank us now below in the COMMENTS. Men, feel free to co-sign down below as well.

 

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