The Man’s Guide to Watching Bravo TV
One man. One network for women and gays. 24 hours. One diary.
Had a conversation earlier with my former editor and colleague about this 24hrs of Bravo concept. He laughed and I’m not too sure if it was at the concept, the notion, or me. But he laughed. And I told him I wanted to die. He asked if it was that bad. Yes, I replied, it was that freakin’ bad. I want to quit and I
hate loathe quitters. I hate myself for taking this challenge upon myself, but I would loathe myself if I quit.
I had to take a look at the week’s worth of Bravo programming to plan accordingly and came to a realization; there isn’t enough various Bravo programs to fill in the 24 hours. That coupled with the reality that I couldn’t watch the programs airing during their regular schedule, so I had to improvise. I went to Bravo’s website and made a note of all the shows they have listed. For some oddball reason, they haven’t made all their episodes available for viewing, so I had to find alternate means. So I’m going to watch as many shows live as I can, and then fill out the rest of the programming by my alternate means.
Show #4 – The Real Housewives of New York City
- Good grief. New York. My hometown. I’m really not wanting to watch this. Watching the previews it makes me think Upper East Side. Understand that I’ve been to the Upper East Side of Manhattan maybe twice in the last five years. If you don’t live or haven’t thoroughly visited all of New York, this means nothing to you, but for anyone of the city, it’s very telling. So Yeah…
Why do all these women look like Skeletor from He-Man? They look like just-turned zombies from The Walking Dead. And all of these housewives shows centers around eating meals and drinks. This can’t be life.
- One of the ladies is writing a book… a memoir… about being a housewife? What is she writing about? Memoir writer is discussing her memoir with another housewife who is an actual writer. Why do reality show women want to write books? I’m already confused on multiple levels. What am I watching?
- Ramona. She looks like that lady who co-hosted with Regis… Kathy Lee! She looks like Kathy Lee who I find oddly attractive. Spare me your judgements. Ramona is hanging out with the memoir writer. And they’re trying to select wine. You’d think that Upper East or Upper West Side women would be well-versed in wine. Maybe they simply order the most expensive wine on the list and let their rich husbands fit the bill. Maybe they wash their hair with Belaire Rosé.
- Next scene is a threesome of women. The writer that the memoir writer met with is talking to two younger chicks and what are they talking about? Of course, the book! What else would they talk about? An hour talking about a book from a woman who doesn’t write who doesn’t have much of a story to tell.
- Kristen. I’m paying attention to their names because calling them Skeletor 1, Skeletor, 2, and so on is impractical. Interesting thing I’ve extracted, unlike the VH1 Wife franchises that Mona Scott has erected, these women on Bravo are actually married, well at least most of them. What a novel concept – a show about housewives that are actually wives.
What I’m struggling with is the husbands on these shows. Is the money and residuals worth all the nonsense and fuckery? Don’t they have male friends who tell them that they look like asses on top of their wives embarrassing them, the family and the family’s name? How large are these Bravo checks? Or are we still in a recession and times are hard? Maybe they grew up without fathers (this is my theory for any suspect/odd male behavior).
- Memoir Lady. She has an assistant. Does Memoir Lady have a job? Why do so many women with no jobs have assistants? Memoir Lady has an ex-husband who agreed to be on the show. She’s not married to Memoir Lady yet he willfully agreed to be on the show. He has to be an attention whore.
This is clearly Memoir Lady’s episode. Good Lord.
Wait! We have to watch a woman get a spray tan. And so is one of the older housewives. This is weird. Now the older housewife is getting spray tanned. Women do this shit? Watch each other get spray tanned? Here’s a shocker – they’re talking about the book. What else do you talk about while watching each other naked getting spray tanned? Books, of course.
Honest question – how do websites to episode recaps of these shows? I’m talking to you NYMag/Vulture! Here is the crux – the women argue over some petty nonsense for the whole show and that nonsense carries over for at least another episode, if not three.
- So ex-husband is on a date with one of the Skeletors and it’s the most painful, odd conversation. Odd conversation must be a thing because it seems like ex-husband is going to get some play. Again, what am I watching?
- You know when you are running on the treadmill because you have to, not because you want to. And you promise yourself you’re going to do at least 30mins. And then after 5mins you’re looking at the clock counter and curse the treadmill, gym, and yourself because only 5mins have passed? Whelp… I’m NOT feeling that way shockingly. I’m pleasantly surprised that I’m 45mins into the show. I can manage 15mins. I can.
- Memoir Chick is having a housewarming party. Parties are the essential mechanism to get women together to fight. In public. Large space. Liquor. Perfect recipe for fuckery. Add the whole book controversy into this mix and we’re going to have a fight. Not that I’m psychic.
Money has to be the motivation to be on this show. The visions of passive income have to the draw. A lot of these women are soft watt light bulbs and aren’t afraid to show who dim their wattage is and don’t seem to mind. Having the latest Birkin bag must be a big deal.
- We finally get the confrontation between Memoir Chick and the Writer… and no punches are thrown. What the hell? No wonder The Real Housewives have never been on WorldStarHipHop, all they do is yell and cry. No swinging.
- So I made it to the end and I know that I will not be tuning in next week or whenever the hell the next episode is. I’m upset because the show ran a minute into the beginning of the Bad Girls All-Star Battle Reunion Special Episode 1. Let me go focus on some quality TV.
Show #5 – Flipping Out
- I found the energy within me to tune back into Bravo. Jeff Lewis’ (who?) Flipping Out is on. Here’s the thing, I’ve seen one episode of Flipping Out years ago and the only reason I watched the show was because I heard a friend of mine was on there. Since this friend defriended me on Facebook (How dare he? That means we are no longer friends in IRL), I feel very comfortable saying that it was shit tsunami. He did a really great job of making himself look like an ass. So going into this viewing I have mixed feelings. Yay! for making my friend look the ass. Boo! the show was boring and inane. Let me think positive thoughts. Ooo-sah.
- This show is all about #FirstWorldProblems. I’m not sure if Jeff Lewis is an interior decorator or a contractor, but I know that he works on homes. He’s being tasked to create a room or a door for a cat as part of a larger plan. The client wants cat doors. This is the tension, this is the drama in tonight’s episode. Cat doors.
- Jeff Lewis has some strange lips. I don’t normally, or ever talk about another man’s lips, but Jeff Lewis has some odd lips that are really distracting.
- Wait… if Jeff Lewis isn’t flipping houses why is the show called Flipping Out. (Pregnant Pause) I think I’m giving this show way too much thought.
I’ve noticed a personal trend; by the start of the first commercial break I always check to see how long the show is for to gauge how much I can take. Checks the length… Dammit! An hour! How many minutes do you need to discuss building cat doors? Cat doors.
- I’m psychic. Jeff Lewis is talking about getting back into the flipping houses game. I’m thinking about flipping the channel.
- I’ve made the discovery that talking about other people’s homes is just a little less boring than watching a TV show about people talking about other people’s homes.
- I really wish I wasn’t so negative about this experiment. Typing these words makes me a little bit sadder each time, but this is just how I feel. It’s awful. Bravo is awful, which makes me awful. This is a disaster, but I wanted it to be a beautiful disaster.
- Staying consistent, Jeff Lewis is ghey. Heterosexual men need to file a lawsuit to get onto Bravo. Heterophobia, that’s what Bravo has.
- This is Groundhog Day for me all over again; I watch, I check the clock, I check out and start playing on my phone, I check back in, I check the clock, and then promise myself to power through.
- I finally met Zoila, the Spanish maid/housekeeper/fiery Latina. When Zoila is on the screen, you have to pay attention since Bravo runs subtitles for her to ensure you experience every bit of her fiery Latinness.
- I’m now on YouTube watching a clip of Wendy Williams’ show. What the hell is happening to me? STOP THE MADNESS!
- It’s taken me an hour to decide that Jeff Lewis isn’t the nicest guy in the world. And he’s not really charming either. This makes me curious as to how he has a TV show in the first place and how it’s gone on for eight seasons. I’m more curious as how I was able to watch an hour of him. I guess both instances illustrates how strange things can happen.
Sound off. Let me know what you think in the COMMENTS.