The Man’s Guide to Watching Bravo TV
One man. One network for women and gays. 24 hours. One diary.
I don’t watch a lot of television. I watch a lot of quality television with the exception of some ratchet-ass shows that usually involve women fighting (physically) each other. What can I say…? But my steady diet of TV consists of Mad Men (I worked in advertising), Game of Thrones (I’ve read the books), The Walking Dead (I’ve read the comics), sports not Sportscenter (ESPN ruined this show), and at 5:30pm which is the earliest I will turn on a TV to watch Pardon The Interruption. My pleasures-that-are-not-guilty include most of Mona Scott’s Monday night 8pm offerings on VH1 and The Bad Girls Club franchise on Oxygen. I willfully acknowledge I am contributing to the debasing of society, but what can I say, I watch videos on WorldStarHipHop. I’ve made my peace and I suggest you do the same.
Show #1 – A Southern Charm: Season 1, Episode #2
- Watching the recap/preview. Wait… is this like the Jersey Shore just with old people and in the South? I’m confused.
- Here’s what I’ve figured out so far: Some old guy possibly maybe got an unattractive ginger preggers? Wait. Wait. Wait. This dude has to be mid-40s and he’s raw-dogging females while sport fucking? So now she doesn’t want to immediately find out if she’s pregnant as they proceed to make out on the street. What am I watching? What part of the South is this? Does JetBlue fly to this city? I have questions, oh so many questions. This old guy, we’ll call him Grampy, is loaded, as in bank account and in blood alcohol level. Obviously old people aren’t immune to reality tv producer’s free liquor. Millennials now have something in common with Generation X or is he a Baby Boomer?
- Next scene is two more old people, one really old lady and a 40-something douchebag. The cast of this show seems like the knee jerk reaction to an age discrimination lawsuit brought on by 40+ year olds for equality in reality tv casting that Bravo settled out of court. Apparently this duo is mother and son and you get the creepy feeling that it is a Bizarro Norman Bates/Mother situation.
Ok, just found out the show is based in Charleston. I’m not going to lie, I’m not 100% certain what state Charleston is in. Aren’t there several different Charlestons down south? I think every state south of Virginia has a Charleston, no?
- Commercial Break. This show sucks. Who’s watching this? My eyes are hurting. The commercials are aimed for women. The show is aimed for the mentally impaired. Arrgghh. That commercial went too fast. The show’s back. Dammit.
- Once I figure out where Charleston is (South Carolina, right?) I’m going to pray for some natural disaster to hit to ensure that there isn’t another season of this show. That sounds terrible and it’s awful, but I really feel this way. God forgive me.
- Fuck… this show is an hour.
Wait. Some of the cast members live on an actual plantation? Oh boy. Plantations still exist? This show is making me realize how Southern ignorant I am. I feel the need to watch Seven Years A Slave for some odd reason.
- Hold on… Grampy is 50. Has there ever been a 50-year old on a reality show like this? Remember the old guy from CBS’ Survivor Season 1, Rudy? Grampy may be the second oldest ever. This bears research. What 50-year old agrees to be on a reality show centered around dating and hooking up?
The ginger is talking to her granny who looks old enough to have been a slave master. Oh, Lordy… Is Roots on Netflix?
- Watching this on my iPad and the video keeps freezing. God is communicating to me.
- Turns out that the ginger is 21. And Grampy is 50. Oh vey… Now you understand why Northerners (and the rest of the nation) view Southerners the way we do.
- The commercial breaks are now airing promos for other Bravo shows that I know I have to watch and it’s making me (more) depressed.
- So two of the male leads are 40+. Unless you are living on an island for 30 days or racing across the world in tandem in a race, this is crazy.
There are way too many characters for anyone with a modicum of sense and sensibility to keep track of nor care about.
The titles of reality shows are often a play on words, but I’m trying to understand this show being called Southern Charm. Is it a deliberate irony thing? There is nothing remotely charming about this show.
- So this one hour of programming is dedicated to the ginger’s potential pregnancy? Clearly they plan on dragging this out for the entire episode, but after tonight, what, a gonorrhea outbreak?
- Lord help me – a Diet Coke commercial with Taylor Swift. This has officially gotten worse.
- 20 minutes to go.
- Dammit! Only 18 minutes to go.
Wait… a reality show based in the South and not one black person? Is this realistic? I have to go down south beyond Miami and Atlanta.
- Every reality show’s crux is something happens to a duo on the show and the rest of episode is the rest of the cast discussing the something that happened. Since everyone is discussing the ginger getting banged out she is officially the town slore. This is now Googleable. If it’s on Google, you know it’s true. Google is the Internets.
- We’ve finally developed some semblance of a B plot line. Southern Bro is bemoaning over some girl he digs that doesn’t have time for him because she’s busy… and he has a boyfriend. Wait… Southern Bro is 33-years old?
- 10 minutes to go. Minus credits and commercials we’re talking about 7 minutes or so. I can do this.
- If all these folks are wealthy, why the hell are they driving Cherokees and Jeeps? And old, beat up ones? The South doesn’t believe in German engineering?
- Turns out the ginger (I haven’t even bothered to learn her name) isn’t preggers. This fact has either amplified or failed to diminish her desire to hook up long-term with Grampy. Ginger’s gravitation to Grampy means that we’ll never see her father in the show because he isn’t around for some reason. Maybe he got killed in the slave revolt on their plantation.
- Sorry. I was looking at Instagram…
Grampy and Ginger are chatting about their potential future. I think Grampy may be a member of the Bush family. He’s drunk and apparently a major fuck-up. He’s what I imagined George Bush was like at 21 except he’s 51. Wait… this dude Grampy just made Ginger his girlfriend? Didn’t Southern Bro smash her not so long ago? That’s how they roll down in Charleston? Is this representative of the South? Are Southerners protesting this show like the Italians did with Sopranos? This is madness.
Have to admit that the next episode is kinda somewhat intriguing because Lord knows I love some good fuckery, but I rather bite off and eat my toenails.
Show#2 – Watch What Happens Live
- I’ve seen Watch What Happens Live before so I know what I’m in for. The view times I’ve watched has been because I couldn’t find the remote after watching Top Chef or Atlanta Housewives or because there was a guest I was actually curious to see. I’ve never considered watching the show just for the show’s sake. This is very middle America, thus very scary.
- The lineup for tonight is Andy Cohen, the host with guests Uma Thurman and Charlie The Hobbit from Lost. And Gaga is the word for tonight’s drinking game since Lady Gaga was going to call in.
You have to be either drunk, female or gay to enjoy this show. Andy Cohen seems like a pleasant fellow. He is what you’d imagine a cheerful stereotypical they New York man to be – all of his drinks are bright colors, he dresses really well, he can alternate between giving good male or female advice, and he knows all the spots and all the people you need to know.
Watch What Happens Live is what happens when women drink White Zinfandel and play hours of board games and gets bored of board games and starts talking shit and telling stories and doing make-believe and throwing multiple hypothetical stories out at each other.
This show is awkward if the two guests are a.) boring, b.) sober, c.) lacking charm, d.) awkward with one another, and any or all of these combinations.
- Sidebar: I have wanted to smash Uma Thurman for a very, very long time. Her appearance here doesn’t help grow my attraction towards her. It most certainly doesn’t hurt it either. So either way, I would most certainly smash given the chance.
Sidebar #2: Since the only liquor I have left in the house are bottles of tequila and I’m not a huge tequila fan (who turns down free booze?) I’m going to eat some cheesecake.
God bless. The show is only 30mins long. Now I understand why they have a drinking game. People watch this show?
I’m drained of all energy in my body. And looking the TV schedule I see I have another 30mins ahead of me with the next show coming up. This is going to be a hell of a lot harder than I could even imagine.
Great, they’re showing clips of a Lady Gaga video with Andy and some of the Real Housewives of Somewhere. Is it me or does ever Lady Gaga song sounds exactly the same?
And again, my iPad is freezing up to protect my brain cells. The latest freeze up cut 30 seconds from my torture. Andy Cohen seems like a nice enough fella to hang with, have a cocktail and shoot the breeze with, but that doesn’t mean I’m willing to forfeit 30mins of my life watching him.
Show#3 – The People’s Couch
- Various groups of individuals on their couches or beds watching TV and running commentary (what a novel idea). This show is a rip off of Twitter. A producer said, ‘hey, let’s take the Twitter conversations people have and film them having them in real life. That’s so meta (I have no idea what meta means but I have the suspicion that it fits in this context)!’ A TV show about people watching TV shows. Or Talk Soup crowdsourced. Lord Have Mercy, this night won’t end.
If you are a man and you appear on Bravo program, more than likely you are super-ghey. You are stereotypical gay which is the new new.
The first show they diagnosis was Dancing With The Stars. Now they are watching some show called Crisis.
All of these guest providing commentary have done improv at any of the hundred of comedy clubs in Los Angeles.
What’s worse, watching a bad TV show or watching a bad TV show about people watching bad TV?
Okay, this show is only as good or as bad as how good or bad the show is. When the program being watched is one or the other you are transported to the people’s couch as opposed to sitting on your couch watching people on their couch. Think about it – when has watching someone on their couch ever been entertaining.
- I’m sorry. I just kinda tuned out. I watched the show, but it was like that scene from Stanley Kubrick’s A Clockwork Orange. My eyes are on fire. I’m tired. And drained. I don’t feel like doing anything other than crawling into bed and sleeping.
This is going to be hard. [Edit – this may be impossible. I just looked at Bravo’s schedule for the week and this is not looking good. Stay tuned.]