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There is no one solution for one problem, so all these advice experts are full of shit… and you can tell them Super-Id said so. Different strokes, people. So Super-Id has gathered a panel of life experts to answer any and all of your life’s issues since we know-it-all. We are The Brainiacs.

DISCLAIMER

ATTENTION: Super-Id, Siggy Freud, any and all of the Brainiacs, our attorneys, the hosting company for this domain and anyone any of us know ARE NOT responsible for any actions, reactions, repercussions, injuries, physical, mental, emotional, verbal, spiritual or psychic abuse and/or any bad shit that may happen to you as a result of following any of the advice posted here. We assume zero liability after you scroll and read this post.

BUT, if any good befalls you from following Brainiac advice, you owe us and we want ours!

I’m Being Stalked By A Killer Lesbian

LESBIONIC

Brainiacs,

About a month ago, I befriended a girl that works at the front desk of my gym. My finger never works at the scanner so as she was helping me figure out what was going on we started talking about an upcoming concert. My friends & I were already attending so I invited her to tag along. Did I mention she’s a soft stud lesbian lol? Not the homophobe, I thought nothing of inviting a lesbian out with us.

Well we didn’t end up going to the concert so I gave her a text the following weekend for my friend’s bday party since it seemed like I flaked on her for the concert. She showed up with a date & all was well until her date started tripping about me. They end up going to another club and the gym girl apologizes profusely about the date’s behavior saying you’re not even a lesbian I have no idea why she’s mad.

She came out with me & another friend one other night & everything went well. Fast forward to this weekend. Third time I’ve been anywhere with her. I had been in the house because I wasn’t feeling well for a couple of days and was up to go out for a couple of drinks. She had texted me and I asked if she wanted to come. She met me at my place & I drove. As we walk into first club she starts saying people are wondering why she’s with me because I have on high boots & am substantially taller than her. Weird statement. It’s not like she’s a man. A man I’m dating…but whatever. We run into my friend’s cousin & we all hangout for the next couple hours. As the night starts to end a clearly straight female comes up to me and says I’m her Wifey in a joking manner & puts her arms around me. Gym lesbian starts hitting the bar and yelling No! I’ve been trying for a year! Side note:I’ve only known this broad a month. She then proceeds to try to fight the girl. We all walk off to the car. She runs back up to us saying its all good because the girl made out with her. Very confusing.

So I drop the cousin off at their car & I’m driving home with her in the car. She starts saying she wants to touch me in places a man never has. I say ” Well, I like men. And penis”. She says I have a 12in strap on. I say ” but that’s stupid why wouldn’t I just date a man instead of getting a fake man” She gets mad and I pull up at home. I shouldn’t have pulled into my garage but I had a couple of drinks & anticipated her leaving out the front door immediately like a normal person. She comes in and starts saying just make out with me. I say I don’t want to make out with you, I’m good. I’m straight. She gets more mad and says if I was *guys name from gym* you would make out with me. I say no, I don’t like him either like that. I ask if she’s ok to drive & she asks if she can spoon with me. Fuck. No. She leaves angrily and leaves her phone.

Next morning she calls from the gym phone asking if I can drop off her phone. I’m getting dressed and say yes after I run a couple of errands. She asks if she can just come now. I say fine & she stops by. I hold phone out to her from door & she asks if I’m dressed & if she can come in. Eek. She comes in and starts saying she doesn’t remember anything & says I’m never going to want to hangout with her again. She then leaves and has called me twice since to which I haven’t responded. What do I do?

/Vagina At Risk

DISCLAIMER: The Brainiacs understand the sensitivity of this issue. The Brainiacs have their own issues. The Brainiacs don’t want to have issues with the LGBT community. This video should prevent anyone from having issues.

THE BRAINIAC RESPONSE

Roger F. Bond

Roger F. Bond

Agent Saboteur
Dear Vagina At Risk,

It took me five days to read this novel. This could have been summarized in one paragraph. This leads me to believe you may have some drama queen in you. But enough blaming the victim…

This is all your fault. Everyone knows that masculine-like lesbian (butch – is this offensive? everything is offensive these days and I thought that lipstick and butch were socially acceptable terms. if not, I’m sorry. don’t send me hate mail for begin LGBT ignorant) are the most socially aggressive group out in the universe right next to rich, old white men. You lead her on whether you knew it or not. You can’t dangle your feminine ways in front of her face without her trying to take a bite if not a nibble.

Wait… still blaming the victim.

This is what you do. Go to the gym 24/7 and become brolic so you are equipped to fight her off. Have someone tape it and then upload on WorldStar (WORLDSTAR!) Or. Find a new gym. Or. Introduce her to your boyfriend, boy-toy, or side-piece and hope that he scares her off (doubtful), and maybe they fight to the death with the winner earning the right to spoon you. Hopefully he’ll win. Or. When she talks to you at the gym, strip down buck-nekkid in the middle of the gym and start screaming, “This is what you want. Take me. Take me right here, right now!” Trust me, it’ll keep her off of you. Counterintuitive, but effective. (Imagine a Jerry Maguire moment, just you naked, in a gym, and not in an office, and it’s real life not the movies, and you’re talking to a lesbian who wants to spoon you).

Captain Caveman

Captain Caveman

Lust vs Love
Dear Drama Queen,

It is clear that you are desperate for attention. You admitted that you befriended your suitor. Maybe some naive, self-serving part of your psyche convinced you that you will be somehow safe in a friendship with a woman, even when it’s well-documented that she likes women.

This is a classic case of she said/she said. While the pursuer is clearly showing signs of aggressive obsession, you are been a willing participant of “The Cat and Mouse Game”. Your words and actions are inconsistent. You sending mixed signals. You are a narcissist!

Truly yours,

Captain Caveman

Mayor Davis

Mayor Davis

The Alderman
Dear Vagina at Risk,

Hit her back and let her know that it’s all good. Unfortunately you don’t like women and though you were flattered by what went down, you’d feel very uncomfortable if that prior behavior was repeated. So uncomfortable, in fact, that you’d probably have to end hanging out with her to avoid any more extreme discomfort.

Glad you aren’t a homophobe, but don’t let that get you into a situation where you can’t go to your gym without being soft stalked. End it nicely, if she can’t get down with the fact that you don’t like women… like that.

Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson

What?
Please send a photo of the lesbian and of yourself to this website (or to my personal email, if you prefer) in order for me to give you the proper course of action to partake. Without any photos, it is impossible for me to give you any guidance in good conscious.

When sending photos, please include full body. And no Instagram selfies.

MEET THE BRAINIACS

Roger F. Bond

Roger F. Bond

Know-It-All
Man of the People. Reformed Man-Whore. Single. No Kids. Scorpio.
“First you get the paper, then you get the power, then you get the pussy.”
Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson

Civil Libertarian
Married… for now. Check back in a few months… King of Jump-offs & Side-Pieces. Baby Mama Drama.
“How much…?”
Captain Caveman

Captain Caveman

Sensitive Savage
Divorced with benefits. Philosophizing Gorilla Pimp. Lust at first sight. Love at first text.
“I love you. Can we fuck?”

 

Mayor Davis

Mayor Davis

Mayor Davis

Mayor and Alderman at the same damn time. The type of guy mom and dad hopes daughter brings home. Mr. Wonderful.
(Too busy shaking hands and kissing babies to have a quote)

Mr. Married w/Children

Mr. Married w/Children

The Poor Bastard
Reformed Serial Cheater. Contently married with two kids. Career Man. Has eaten hamburger everyday for 14 years and counting.
Biebs a/k/a Anthony

Biebs a/k/a Anthony

22-year old Millennial Male
College attending, weed smoking, pill popping, binge drinking Future of America.
(Biebs doesn’t speak… he texts.)

Who gave the best advice? Share your non-brainiac thoughts in the COMMENTS below.

 

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