Welcome To The Brainiacs Advice Column

The BrainiacsWe know-it-all…

There is no one solution for one problem, which means all these individual advice experts are full of shit. So The Super-Id has gathered a panel of life experts from various walks of life to answer any and all of your life’s issues, drama, problems, questions, situations, and fuckeration since we know-it-all. If you have a question, we have answers. The rest is up to you.

We Fight Fuckery.

We are The Brainiacs.

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Douche Every Day

or Swipe Left For Douche

MassengillDear Brainiacs,

How do you handle a douche dicks on a dating app? Do you respond or just block their bitch asses?

/Miss Massengill

Meet The Brainiacs

 
 
 
 

 

The Brainiacs Responses

Massengill,

I always chose to go down the rabbit hole with assholes online. Why? Because I have jerk tendencies, and I loathe the various sorts of bullshit people pull online because they feel emboldended by the anonymity of the Internets. And the douche typically fits into this category.

Whatever douchery you get hit with, go Spinal Tap and take that shit to 11. Not 10. I fucking said 11.

You get hit with a dick pic? You reply back with a STD-laden vagina.

You get hit with a rude question or comment? You reply back with something ruder that you want to do to him and his mother. Vile acts and mothers are the easiest ways to batter the male pride.

You get harassed? You play along and set the dude up. Pretend you see behind his juvenile act and find him attractive and play him for the fool. Text him dialogue from Sex and the City or a Quentin Tarantino flick. Send him pretend selfies of “you” wearing furry fandom outfits, or say that your profile pic is old, and send him a picture of pre-stomach stapling patients and saw that’s what you look like now.

You want to be really evil? Get your gay male friend (every woman has at least three gay male friends) and have him be your pinch-texter, so all the communication between the two will be man-on-man text love and arrange a meet. Just bring a weapon, because more than likely he will be pissed when the truth that he has been having a sordid online man crush will get him vex. You’re going to need to incapacitate him when he gets Hulk-level angry.

Basically, my advice is to fuck with them until they don’t want to fuck with you anymore and they think twice before they swipe right and hit the next chick with some fuckery.

 

Roger F. Bond

If some douche sends you an unexpected picture of his dick, simply send him back a picture of a bigger dick. You are more than welcomed to borrow my mass in order to make this happen.

Captain Caveman

[Editor’s Note: Angrymoon has enlisted British babe, Emilia Nardini to lend a hand in #FightingFuckery with some sage advice.]

Miss Massengill,

Men scramble to approach woman like wolves to white-tailed deer. They assume woman have it easy getting attention, so they think of creative ways to get ours even if that means they come off as ‘douche dicks.’ There will always be Sex Freak Sam’s or Desperado Danny’s in the online dating world. Give them some shanter back (shit banter = shanter) as such…

E.g.:

Sex Freak Sam (The Douche): Do u want 2 fuck?

You: Just on the way to my Grandma’s Birthday. Wanna be my date? My Dad can pick you up on the way if you like.

You never know what could happen. Maybe their adolescent approach will turn into one where they’ll sweep you off your feet by talking about your bio instead.

On the other hand, a simple no or no response whatsoever could suffice.

The choices are endless! Follow your gut instinct.

Angrymoon.net

You are giving this random person way too much power. Just block him, and keep it moving. It’s a response from a dating app from someone you never met. Are there only three guys using the app and you have to pick one of them? If the answer is no, you need to thicken your skin, because you are going to get eaten alive in the dating scene. The douche level is high out there.

Married With Children

Oh, honey! Where are you finding these douchebags? Is this the majority of what you’re getting when you’re swiping through localized options?

First off, any guy who thinks he’s getting a response with that type of ask from anyone with a smidgen of self-respect has deliriously low standards. But some chicks like that shit. But then again, you wonder about dudes that do nothing but yell shit at women in the streets all day long and the truth is, someone does respond. It’s like dudes who are used to doing things their own way and then they meet you and you’re like WTF is this BS. But guess what? They’re used to doing and saying what they want and a basic broad might just be down.

But what exactly do you want? If you’re looking for a date for fun and that’s his sense of humor, then maybe humor yourself for the free meal. But be prepared for dirty shit talk and him potentially rubbing the front of his jeans on your butt at some point during the evening. Looking for more of a real relationship? Tinder used to be know for finding a quick local fuck. Some of the cats on there may be in for that kinda ride. Dudes like this don’t need a response and it’s not worth your energy to even bother giving one. Delete the message and keep swiping.

If you’re feeling particularly snarky though, feel free to hit him with any of these options:

“This box is as wet as your levels of thirst. Unfortunately for you, you will never confirm this fact.” 

“When it saw your face, for the first time ever, as a woman, I wished I didn’t have a vagina.” 

“What does your mother taste when you open mouth kiss her with that mouth of yours?” 

Again – delete and move on.

On the other hand, if you are really desperate and tolerant and are really trying to give up that pussay, then hey, you just hit the jackpot! However, it would be irresponsible of us not to mention to please be safe especially when fucking around with this type of vermin. You do not want to play Baby Momma to this type of dude. Not to mention he’s probably slobbing down whatever other low-level heifers who were responsive to his unique brand of online schtick and wanted to get down. Give a girlfriend his full name and cell number, text a shot of his license plate or address or find a safe meeting place like a hotel that he pays for. Get your rocks off and get gone. Don’t take this one (or one like it) home and don’t ever get attached.

Good luck and happy dating!

Le Reine

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