Welcome To The Brainiacs Advice Column
There is no one solution for one problem, which means all these individual advice experts are full of shit. So The Super-Id has gathered a panel of life experts from various walks of life to answer any and all of your life’s issues, drama, problems, questions, situations, and fuckeration since we know-it-all. If you have a question, we have answers. The rest is up to you.
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We are The Brainiacs.
or I’m Dating A Guy Who Has Diabetes Dick And Can’t Get It Up
I’m dating a man with severe diabetes and literally his dick doesn’t work. Like at all. But he does eat amazing pussy (I guess you have to if ur dick doesn’t work -and by doesn’t work, I mean doesn’t work. It’s a lifeless slug).
Anyhoo, I urged him to get healthy to fight the diabetes. I even tried to cook him healthy meals – which I begrudgingly have to eat – but he refuses. I’m thinking of leaving him. Should I? He’s a nice guy (and don’t forget, a master of eating pussy), but I’m not sure I can live with a lifeless dick forever. Help!
/Miss Diabetes Dick
Meet The Brainiacs
The Brainiacs Responses
Off the rip, Diabetes Dick knows his dick doesn’t work. This may be or new circumstance or not. But best believe me when I tell you – men know the status of their penis 100% of the time all the time. That’s why he is a master muff muncher. Compensating for his issues. What’s scary is that he seems to be content with this sad reality of his life.
I believe in putting everything on the table. Tell dude, “Hey, dude. You got diabetes dick. I’ve beat around the mulberry bush regarding the issue by trying to get your unhealthy ass to eat healthy hoping and praying to Sweet Baby Jesus that all the salad I’d feed you would allow you to feed me the meat I desperately crave in my life, but you seem to be allergic to any food green in color and not fried in grease.” Yes, it will have him in his emotions, but it can’t hurt more than the fact that he knows his dick doesn’t work. Once you have that open dialogue, you can review your options.
Tell dude he needs a relief dick. What can he say? He can be the starting pitcher, and when you ready for the D, you call in the relief dick.
Simply you and him accept your fates. He comes over and has only one job to do. He does his job and keeps it moving.
Grin and bear it for the time being. If his diabetes is that bad, dude is going to lose a foot, leg, or his life soon enough anyway. Better to start the emotional process of getting used to him being gone.
Damn. Sucks to be you.
Roger F. Bond
Dear Diabetes Dick,
This is up to you. How much do you like this guy? Obviously enough to consider staying with him even though he can’t bone you. To me, if a dude can’t get it up, it’s a deal breaker. But that’s just how I feel about it. If you don’t fall in love with his D, you’ll never be in love with him… but that’s your call. If I were you, this wouldn’t even be a question.„
Being personally known for carrying and waving a huge mass, I can empathize with the psychological dilemma you are facing. In the past I’ve heard women mentioned how their men would have the holy grail of penises, but would refuse to eat their Last Supper.„
You’re living in bizarro world. You have an enthusiastic, efficient pussy eater master with a Limp Bizkit. If you’re longing for penetration that bad, I suggest that you seek me out, all depending how cute you are. Or get a dildo to substitute for his lack there of, or get a young buck from Tinder with the sole purpose of drilling you in between your feeding sessions.
I feel for your pain! There no substitute for good dick!
Um… not really sure what to say about this one. I’m not a doctor, but if the guy’s sickness is that bad does that mean he might die soon? At the end of the day that could be a win-win for everyone and no ones feelings get hurt.„
In all fairness, it sounds like his dick is dead already.
Look – honesty is the best policy, I say. Tell the guy that you need dick and without giving him an ultimatum, give him an ultimatum. Or just tell him that you wrote to The Brainiacs about this issue and show him the message that you sent us. Be straight up with him so he can be straight up for you.
There’s plenty of dick out there and plenty of dudes that can make you happy. Life is short… get yours.
Dear Diabetes Dick,
If Diabetes Dick ain’t going to take care of himself and get healthy, why should you suffer? He eats great pussy, but you’re giving up a lot for his cunnilingus skills.„
This situation reminds me of Red Lobster. Everyone loves the cheddar biscuits, but the biscuits only fills you up oh so much. If you don’t like the seafood you really ain’t going back on a regular just for the biscuits. Eating the box is like cheddar biscuits, it’s great, but eventually you want the main course.
So it comes down to two choices: either you break up or you make him wear a strap-on. If that doesn’t bruise his ego enough to get his shit together, then refer back to choice number 1.
Married With Children
It isn’t just the motion in the ocean, now is it? Your poor baby can’t even get the ship out the port it seems!
Now girl, dick is important. Let’s just say it. In long term marriages, sure, sex may not be the thing years from now; it will be about companionship and shit, but… what about the needs of your nether regions now? What if you want to bear this man’s seed?
Here’s a solution if your man ain’t trying to eat right and get healthy to fix his dick. Toys. If you’re embarrassed then feel free to order ‘em online (privacy setting on your browser on a home computer and not ever at work) and order you some things. There are classy stores as well like Babeland where you can actually talk to someone and learn about the products and then touch and feel ‘em if you want. There’s high-end shit too, and not just modeled after 50 Shades Of Grey neither. They can get pricy, so if you want some gold or glass up in ya, you got options. Make it fun for him, when he’s done pleasing by eating, then he can control these better than his own.
And talk, woman. The discussion is important for this process too. Tell that man you want his meat. And either he’s gonna get right and give it to you, or you’re gonna have to get right on the substitution. Better that then replacing his salami with another’s, huh?